baby, I'm no fool.

When it comes to falling for someone, I'm cautious. Trusting guys hasn't been my number one. I feel like it's almost impossible, unless their just a friend because when friends hurt you, it means they care about you and usually there is a little hurt they feel also because a true friend wouldn't ever want to see you hurt. But to fall in love, how can you ever be sure, how could you care about just one main person unconditionally with no strings attached and how can you be sure that they feel the same way also? how can you be sure that that's what you really want in a person? Is it okay to feel completely and fully vunerable to a person, and hate it? There's a crack in my high tower of walls to my heart and I don't know if bringing someone in is what I really want. I'm sure that as of right now, I'm not interested in a boyfriend yet, or a steady commitment; Nor am I ready for such a weight on my shoulders. But I do believe we all deserve to have fun, if we meet someone that tends to have that effect on you, go for him. The one main thing in my life is staying true to who I am, what I believe in, and what my morals are, and making those also fit together in what I'd like to have, and what I am willing to give up, and not passing boundries. I'm tired of being sour all the time, and I don't have a stick up my ass, I just lost my sense of fun and I'm ready to get it back.

SUMMER 09. Lets do something crazy.

I'm trying hard.

I'm content, and I'm very passive with the way things are. I live my life lifeless at times. I recognize myself in class sitting in my seat, passively waiting the the hour to end. Answers asked to myself, with short responses back. I'm not sure how to react to people inside closed walls; It makes me feel stuck and forced. When someone asks me if somethings wrong, usually there isn't anything that's the matter. I just drift, and like the quiet. It's not wrong, and it's not bad. I've been a very passive person since highschool started and there's holes. There holes you can't fix, but there's certain ways to look past them, and live happily. But I don't want those holes, I want to be whole again. I'm not saying I don't have amazing friends and I have amazing times with them on weekends, hangings, and such; It's just that there's missing parts that I think I could zoom in on and work on. I feel like I could down right lose my mind from sitting and thinking of all the possible outcomes of a situation or trying to mend something that's broken but I haven't experienced the thrill of the catch or going out there just to fall. The hardest thing about what I'm trying to do is I don't know where to begin and I don't think someone helping could change things. It's a self-realization and that's all I can really say about it. I'm trying hard. I just want to be the same careless girl who loved doing nothing and everything.

No one notices.

Act of kindness.

They say you should do good deeds just because it's the good thing to do, and that should be reward enough. But there's also one thing that may just happen in the process of a good deed. The person who recieves this act of kindness may appretiate what you have done so much, it might just change how you look at things.

I was holding this heavy box with gatorade/ect. and I was meeting up with Rachel in the locker room. I couldn't help but think, wow this box is too heavy for me. This boy, who I have never seen before just came up to me and took the box from me and said he would help. at the locker room door, I took the box from his and happily said thank you to this boy I have never met, and he said, "No problem, have a good one." And as I walk in I was like, Oh my gosh, I have never met such a kind guy in my life before. I know, you're probably thinking, "He just helped carry a box." But I was really more than that. He gave me hope, that there are still good gentlemen in this world, and chivalry isn't entirely gone.. By the time I realized that I wanted to know his name, I ran out and he was already gone. I swear it was 3 Mississippi's, but he was gone. But even if I don't see him ever again, it's okay. He taught me something. And if I do, I want to make sure that I find out his name. By that one act of kindness, I repeated it to my sister, and I was so moved by what he did that I teared up. Just to see good genuine people like that just makes me feel like, it's okay to be good, and clean, and repectful, and kind, and not have to ruin all the by being someone, dangerous or cool. To think that one act of kindness could mean so much is beyond me. I'm going to be more thankful for the people who are kind to me, and not take it for granted now. Hopefully, I am able to do some in return also. I just want to say thank you to the sweet people in this world.

So basically what I want people to know, kindness is not overrated. If you do kind things, or be kind to someone, there's a big chance that there going to be thankful, happy, and moved by what you did, or glad you took the time out of your day just to talk to them. It really does make a big difference with that one act of kindness. We can start a chain reaction and maybe everyone else will be inspired. I know that it did for me.

A crucial moment.

I don't know why my favorite thing in the world could my me feel so happy/nervous/sad/worried/anxious/ect. all at the same time. Last year, I was only a freshman, so I set myself up for a goal. Make the team, just make the team. And that's all I needed. It was my first year and I knew squat, so I was just glad to be apart of the team. The last team dinner, it was all bittersweet because we knew we came soo far. I remember how Coach Chern called my name and was like, "This girl is lightning on the court." What can I say, I'm a runner! But I was full of joy to be with my friends, and my team. Sure the tennis team was over, but my desire to win, and dedication never died. Summer 08 was dedicated to tennis, and of course friends. I learned to topspin, volley, slice, and found a serve. [Which I'm still working on.] But I worked so hard, and with the help of my friends, I'm not the player I was before. I guess you could say I hung out with certain friends more than others since we had the common bond and the determination for tennis; Which we always played  at least 5-6 days a week, then took a day for recovery. That meant other friends outside the tennis loop got left behind which I regret now neglecting them because I do love them so much, I was just so set on getting better, less and less seemed more important to me. Like, dating, and going out and dressing up all fancy.. But I still love it, I just wish I had more time to do it.

And now, this year is my second season. I know, setting myself for varsity is a stretch because seniors and juniors are basically excepted over sophomores; and I have another two more seasons to worry and being all serious in varsity. I don't know why, I just really feel like I worked hard and it all paid off. I just wish I could maybe, have that spot in varsity. I know I'd always tell people, "I want to get a jv singles spot, cause that prepares you for varsity singles and that's just as good as being, say; a doubles varsity player." And I still belive that, but there's this slight hope in my heart that I could go beyond that. Yet, I don't want to get upset it something tends to happen, and I have to settle for the next best thing. I know you're probably think I'm a nutcase thinking so highly of "just a sport." But to me, it's not just a sport. Some people find their first love in people, I found my first love in the sport, tennis. That's enough for me to take it seriously. And sure, Maybe I won't become a huge pro player when I'm older, but I know I'll never stop playing. And one day if I am ever ranked top 10 in the world, life would be too short. There'd be no big goal anymore, so I'll ease on into it. I have two more seasons to look forward to, if I don't make varsity, so I shouldn't get to discouraged. I gave up enough to feel a little upset if I didn't.

I'll just try and remember I love tennis, and I never want to give up this or my dreams.

I picture Rachel and I being varsity seniors, maybe even captains, at state playing as doubles partners.

I don't want to give that up.